Syrian Dictator Bashar al-Assad Sends an Email to President Obama

By Barry Rubin

The following email was recently received by the White House:

Dear President Obama:

My name is Bashar al-Assad. Not long ago my father died and left me an entire country in his will. It is a very valuable property but I am trying to market it internationally. If you would be willing to help I can promise that you will be richly rewarded.

I really want to develop good commercial relations with the West and get rid of my troublesome ally, Iran. In addition, I want to make peace with Israel and stop supporting terrorism. I would even like to make reforms in my country so that it can be a peaceful and happy democracy.

But I need your help. Please send me a U.S. ambassador without preconditions; ignore my backing for killing your troops in Iraq; overlook my backing for Hamas and Hizballah in killing Israelis; forget about my terrorism in Lebanon, including the murder of former prime minister Rafiq Hariri; shove into the memory hole my massive daily production of anti-American propaganda; have your officials including the secretary of state say nice things about me at the precise moment that I’m shooting down demonstrators and torturing dissidents; and send me people like Senator John Kerry who will believe everything I tell them.

If you do this and one other thing, we can be great friends and I’m willing to give you a lot of policy support; break with Tehran; and be a force for peace, love, and harmony in the Middle East.

That one other thing is so minor it’s hardly worth mentioning. OK. Here it is:

Send $5 billion in small-denomination currency to PO Box 1970, Secret Police Station, Damascus, Syria. When the money is received, I will deliver all the promised gifts to you and throw in a free eye exam for you and Michelle.

Don’t hesitate as this is a limited-time offer.

Sincerely yours,

Bashar al-Assad, ophthalmologist, Internet fan, political reformer, former Londoner (Go Chelsea!), and president of Syria.