Earth, The Final Frontier: What Happens When UN Officials Meet the Aliens

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By Barry Rubin

News story: The UN has created a special envoy for alien life forms so if humans come into contact with extraterrestrials (ETs to Hollywood) the entire planet Earth will speak with a single voice. And who is this official? A Malaysian astrophysicist, Mazlan Othman who currently heads the UN’s Vienna-based Office for Outer Space Affairs, where one of the leading members is an Iranian government official named Ahmad Talebzadeh.  Othman worked a number of years for the Malaysian Islamist government.

This story seems not to be true--advice: NEVER believe anything in the Sunday Times--but it does cry out for satire, doesn't it? 

What happens when there are Jihad Knights instead of Jeddi Knights? Take me to your Imam?

Greetings, beings from Betelgeuse-5! I am the official Earth spokesperson, representing the entire Human Race, who will give you a briefing on life on our planet.

Earth people have different religions, that is, a set of beliefs about the Supreme Being, who we call Allah, and nations, of which there are almost 200. Let me start with religion.

Although there are many religions on Earth, there is only one true religion which is called Islam. The other religions are either deficient in worshipping many false gods or they have deviated for the true word of Allah (Peace be Upon Him) as revealed in the Holy Quran, which should govern the Earth.

There are also a number of countries, though there is one, named Israel, which is evil and criminal and should be wiped off the map. Naturally, with your advanced fusion weapons, you could literally wipe it off the map. However, we are prepared to discuss other methods with you in order to leave that land suitable for Muslims to live in.

We don’t want to say that our planet is otherwise perfect. Far from it! There is also a country named the United States that has seized hegemony of the Earth for purposes of propagating injustice. Naturally, it should be removed from that position in the name of social justice so that power can be shared equally among the Earth’s peoples. Our colleague from a city called Tehran has a detailed plan to propose to you to help achieve this goal.

I want to stress that we  believe in Multicultural Diversity, so the fact that you eat the intelligent creatures of several neighboring planets doesn't bother us in the least.

Alien: $%^&$#@^!@ %^&**!

Why, thank you for that complement, if our translation is correct!  I assume saying that I look very tasty means something very nice in your culture, which of course we fully respect!

Certainly we look forward to close cooperation between Human Beings and the Qwaki543^&*$roxiputan race of Betelgeuse-5. We respect your advanced technology including Fusion Bombs, Death Rays, and other items for which we are happy to trade our handmade carpets, oil, natural gas, and pistachios. Mr. Muhammad Khorasan of our Trade Agency is ready to discuss the details.

Any questions?

Barry Rubin is director of the Global Research in International Affairs (GLORIA) Center and editor of the Middle East Review of International Affairs (MERIA) Journal. His latest books are The Israel-Arab Reader (seventh edition), The Long War for Freedom: The Arab Struggle for Democracy in the Middle East (Wiley), and The Truth About Syria (Palgrave-Macmillan). The website of the GLORIA Center is at http://www.gloria-center.org and of his blog, Rubin Reports, http://www.rubinreports.blogspot.com.